Our good deeds and generous acts may sometimes push us to a point where our importance begins to diminish because we are too tolerant and nice. You may find that you neglect your own needs because you fear disappointing others when they ask for your help.
If you recognize yourself in the above description, you might be a people pleaser. And most of the people pleaser don’t even realize that they are being taken for granted till it’s too late.
Are You a People Pleaser?
A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them. People pleasers often act out of insecurity and a lack of self-esteem.
According to Dr. Susan Newman, people pleasers want everyone around them to be happy, and they will do whatever it takes to keep them that way.
Here are some signs that you might be a people pleaser:
- You have a difficult time saying “no.”
- You are preoccupied with what other people might think.
- You feel guilty when you do tell people “no.”
- You fear that turning people down will make them think you are mean or selfish.
- You agree to things you don’t like or do things you don’t want to do.
- You want people to like you and feel that doing things for them will earn their approval.
- You’re always telling people you’re sorry.
- You take the blame even when something isn’t your fault.
- You never have any free time because you are always doing things for other people.
- You neglect your own needs in order to do things for others.
While people might describe you as a giver or generous person, when you’re a people-pleaser, all of this work to keep others happy may leave you feeling drained and stressed.
Fortunately, there are some steps that you can take to stop being a people-pleaser and learn how to balance your desire to make others happy without sacrificing your own!
Stop Making Excuses
One of the most obvious reasons why you’re always being taken for granted is the fact that you simply can’t say no. It’s very nice of you to want to help everyone around you but sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish and think about your own interests as well.
Just remember that your inability to say no will make others take you for granted and they won’t even appreciate the things you do for them.
The biggest mistake a people pleaser can make isn’t not saying no, but rather how they say no. For example, when there’s an invitation, people pleaser tend to say “I can’t” followed by an excuse, instead of a powerful “I don’t want it”.
- “I can’t go to the party”
- “I can’t do that project”
- “I can’t talk to you right now”
Meanwhile, others love to push the boundaries and say:
- “It’ll be quick!”
- “Just come for a little bit.”
- “I promise it won’t be a big deal.”
A 2012 study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” allowed participants to gracefully exit unwanted commitments.
Why? Because “I don’t” is much more powerful than “I can’t”. It also shuts down toxic people faster.
“I don’t” establishes a clear boundary, making you sound much more confident and clear in your intentions. On the other hand, people who say “I can’t” seem like they’re giving an excuse and might have some wiggle room to give.
So, the next time you have an obligation you don’t want to do, say “I don’t.”
Stop Feeling Guilty
If you’re a people pleaser, chances are, you’ve probably said sorry at least a handful of times in the past week.
The next time you say no, say it with meaning. Don’t apologize because you have to prioritize.
Don’t feel bad that you have something to take care of. You are standing up for you; and remember, if you don’t stand up for you, no one else will.
Be Aware of Who You Please to
Look for signs that other people are trying to take advantage of your generosity. Are there people who always seem to want something from you but are suddenly unavailable if you need them to return the favor? Or do some people seem to be aware of your generous nature and ask because they know that you won’t say “no?”
If it feels like you’re being manipulated into doing things, take some time to assess the situation and decide how you want to handle the request. For repeat offenders or people who keep insisting that you should help, be firm and clear.
Sometimes it can be hard to tell if a friend’s taking advantage of you, or it might take you some time to realize that you’re being taken advantage of.
Here are some signs that you’re being taken for granted in a friendship:
- They don’t show interest when listening to you, but always expect you to listen to them
- They’re constantly asking you to do favors for them
- They are always making you pay for things
- They’re using you to get ahead
- They don’t respect your schedule and time.
Even if you enjoy pleasing others, it is important to remember that they should also be taking steps to give to you in return.
Assess The Request
When someone asks for a favor, tell them you need some time to think about it. Saying “yes” right away can leave you feeling obligated and overcommitted, but taking your time to respond to a request can give you the time to evaluate it and decide if it’s something you really want to do. Before you make a decision, ask yourself:
- How much time will this take?
- Is this something I really want to do?
- Do I have time to do it?
- How stressed am I going to be if I say “yes?”
Research has also found that even a short pause before making a choice increases decision-making accuracy. By giving yourself a moment, you’ll be better able to accurately decide if it is something you have the desire and time to take on.
Bottom Line
If being a people-pleaser is making it difficult to pursue your own happiness, it’s important to find ways to set boundaries and take back your time. Remind yourself that you can’t please everyone.
If being a people-pleaser is interfering with your well-being, talk to a mental health professional. A trained therapist can work with you to help manage your behavior, prioritize your own needs, and establish healthy boundaries.
