The answer to the question: ‘should parents be involved in their children’s relationships?’ is a highly debatable one. In most countries, males and females are free to choose what they want to do with their lives and who they marry after an age of maturity. On the contrary in some parts of the world, families have practices to determine what a child is destined to be as soon as they are born. They also took up full responsibility of making marital promises between families for their children.
You would think that arranged marriages have expired and now everyone has a say in who they spend their life with, but no. In many regions in the world, adults still marry under the instructions of their parents without a say. However, who is to say they are not happy with this?
For most of us, we are not given the luxury of having things and partners picked out for us. We have to face and immerse ourselves in the wild, also known as society, to meet someone we want to be in a relationship with. Then after getting comfortable, you bring that special person to meet your parents. Everyone gets acquainted so you hope that they’ll get along but your parents told you that they aren’t happy with the personality of the partner you chose in confidence. Now you’re conflicted.
Here are some reasons why parents should not get involved in their children’s relationships.
Respect the Child’s Freedom of Choice
No matter how old a child grows up to be, they will still be a kid in their parents’ eyes. As an adult, having relationships that one chooses may still be bound by filial obligations. A parent is the guardian of a kid but as they grow older, parents could take the back seat and be more supportive of their child’s actions.
There is no need for a parent to manage the child’s relationship. The relationship is between the child and their partner and this should be respected. Parents should refrain from feeling entitled to make decisions for the child especially when they are already in adult relationships.
Biasness
People in relationships usually work together to maintain it. They have small arguments and disagreements but they get through it together. However when a bigger issue arises, one may want an external opinion or confidant and a parent may be the chosen listener. In this case, it is difficult for the parent to see the whole picture of the issue. He or she is merely hearing from one point of view. With great concern, this parent may overreact and start to worry or overthink the situation.
Nothing good comes from overreacting. After some time, the child may have resolved the issue and forgiven the partner. However, the parent will still harbor negative feelings towards the said partner. This will result in friction between family members.
Unhealthy Projection of Their Own Feelings
Parents are humans too. They may have had bad experiences with certain people and came up with a stereotype. When their child introduces their partner who falls under the stereotype, it will trigger alarms in the parent. It is healthy for the parents to warn their child of red flags that they notice in a partner. It gets toxic when the parent wants to break them up due to personal past problems.
People who are unsatisfied with their current lives may also project their wants to their children. A mother who has a negligent husband may nitpick on the daughter’s partner. She may have many requests for the partner to fulfill that would not even apply to the daughter’s needs.
Difference In Opinion
Parents and children, though genetically related, are most likely to have very different preferences in a partner. The values that parents have as adults are also different from what their children may be looking for in a relationship. Children young or adult, if attracted to a person their parents will not approve of, does not mean that the said person is a bad match for the child. Many factors can cause the disapproval of parents such as race, religion and social status. These may be a deal breaker for some but relationships are not built upon those aspects.
There are times where a parent pressures their child to do what they say because they think that they know more. It may be true that they are more experienced but there is no guarantee the actions that worked for them will benefit the relationship of the child.
On the flip side, here are reasons why parents should be involved in their children’s relationships
Parents Have More Wisdom
Parents are older, more experienced hence in general you can say they are wiser than their children. Children often forget that their parents are humans with flaws and imperfections too. They could tell you a thing or two about what to find in a partner or staying in a relationship.
There are times when children only date for the wrong reasons like out of peer pressure or to follow a trend. If you ask married couples, they will tell you what actually matters to make a relationship last. Even divorced parents can tell you what to avoid in a partner. Children will benefit from listening to their advice and prevent themselves from repeating mistakes. It would be a waste to disregard what parents want to teach them about relationships. This is why we study history- to avoid making past mistakes.
Parents Know Their Child
If a child is raised by both parents, they will know the personality and preferences of the child. Having spent so much time taking care of the child, parents probably know a thing or two when it comes to what is or isn’t good for the child. Parents are go-to persons for any queries of a child. For a young child, teachers will refer to a child’s parents for advice on the upbringing of the child. Adults after a legal age are free to do as they please yet they are still somewhat attached to their parents. As independent as they want to be, a lot of times you can find out a lot about a person from their parents.
Circling back to the topic, most of the time a parent would be able to judge if a person is compatible with their child. As parents, they could tell if their child is genuinely happy and loved by their partner. They can tell if the child’s health and emotional needs are met. Parents, though they respect the child’s opinions, they could still intervene if things go downhill in their child’s relationship.
Parents Only Want What’s Best For Their Child
After all, parents only have the best interest for their children. Children sometimes take their parents for granted and ignore what they say. Most of the time, parents’ advice to their children is out of concern and care. They don’t want to make their children’s life harder than it is. There is truth and wisdom in what parents tell children. So there is no reason why children should completely ignore what parents have to say in their relationships.
How Involved Should Parents Be In Their Children’s Relationship?
There is no correct distinctive answer to the question of how involved parents should be in their children’s relationships. The fact is, relationships are highly dependent on the two individuals who are involved. There is a downside if one allows other parties to get involved in their relationship because too many cooks spoil the broth.
Children should set a boundary on how involved parents can be in their relationships. Parents on the other hand could do their child a huge favor by respecting that boundary. Having parents involved in the relationship of their children is a delicate balance that each family has to determine for themselves. Too much and you will end up with a messy outcome.
How Should Children Set Boundaries for Their Relationships?
It is important for you to have boundaries with your parents for many reasons. It allows you to be an individual with your own thoughts and opinions and also prevents resentment towards parents if parents impose their beliefs on you. Having boundaries will help parents and children to establish expectations to have healthy interactions.
Having a conversation to set boundaries is difficult but it is important to make sure parents and children have mutual understanding on what is okay and what isn’t.
1. Be Clear and Firm
When you state your boundaries, don’t beat around the bush. Be as straightforward but as gentle as possible. Before calling them in for a family meeting, prepare what boundaries you want to set. Practice articulating and expressing your points to prevent confusion.
An example of what you can say: “ Please try to understand that I am not financially capable of having a child yet. I want to one day but for now I am still working on my career. Please be supportive.”
2. Speak with Love and Appreciation
As children, we should always remember that parents have difficulties letting their reign go.
For example, do not say : “I don’t like the clothes you bought for me. They are not the right style and size. Please stop that.”
Instead say: “ Thank you for buying clothes for me. However, I would appreciate it if you would show it to me before buying so we could both agree it is a good purchase.”
3. Do Not Feel Guilty for Having Boundaries
We have been accustomed to letting our parents decide what is good or bad for us. Now that we need to say no to them, we may feel guilty or fear of making mistakes. We feel guilty because we think that we are doing the wrong thing. Nevertheless, having boundaries is not something wrong. Instead, it may even improve your relationship with your parents. You are entitled to fulfill your wants and needs too.
Final Words
Any relationship comes with its own set of problems. The involvement of parents can be the solution or an additional problem to the existing ones. If you try to go to the source, you will see that everything a parent does is done out of love. However, the expression of their love may not be appealing to the child. This is why communication and the effort to understand each other is so important.
